When I went down to our basement yesterday, my husband’s computer was on. I went to turn it off and saw a naked woman with large breasts on the screen. It took me a moment to realize: This is porn. I feel so wronged! Why wasn’t he more discreet? I am usually receptive to sex with him, but I feel as if he has poked a hole in the bubble of our intimacy. I am tempted to find a picture of a well-endowed porn star to leave on his computer. He says he’s embarrassed. He should be! My cousin told me that all men look at porn, but I feel disgusted and diminished as insufficiently buxom. Why are men such self-indulgent pigs? Is watching porn a slippery slope to cheating?

WIFE

Let’s acknowledge that you are really upset now — and that it’s healthy for you to express your anger. Be careful, though, not to let a rant become your reality: Your letter is brimming with unhelpful generalizations — that men are pigs, for instance — and logical inconsistencies. (If looking at porn is wrong, how would it have been better for your husband to have done so more discreetly?) I hope that you will feel less distraught soon and open to considering productive next steps.

It is vitally important for couples to negotiate the ground rules of their relationship — even, and especially, for issues that are uncomfortable to discuss. Yet, it seems as if you and your husband have never talked about pornography. Our culture is drenched in it, and many happily married people I know look at it. Now that you know your husband does, too, it would be better to discuss the issue directly than to shame him or to upload images of porn stars onto his computer.

Your sustained outrage will probably chill an important conversation about fantasy and monogamy — hello, romance novels! — and the possibility that looking at naked images of other people has no bearing on your husband’s fidelity or desire for you. It is not my place to dictate an agreement between you, but I recommend that you hash this out with him. If you need help facilitating that discussion, find a couples therapist soon.

My Glass, My Business

I have decided to stop drinking for a while. My Dry January revealed that I’m not loving my relationship with alcohol these days. The problem: Since I stopped drinking, I’ve had to field uncomfortable questions when I socialize. When I say I’m not drinking, people ask me if I’m pregnant or an alcoholic, or wonder why I don’t want to drink. Any tips?