My best friend and confidante of nine years has simply vanished from my life. Last year, she stood by my side as I married the love of my life. She was listed as my sister in spirit in the wedding program, and that joyful day brought us both to tears. Since then, we have had exactly one dinner together, during which she told me she had started seeing someone on the West Coast. I have reached out to her many times since then, sending love on her birthday and over the holidays, but she hasn’t responded. I know that she continues to watch my busy life on social media, but I am tortured by the loss of my dear friend. I feel sad and very confused. What should I do?

BEST FRIEND

Occasionally, when we upset people inadvertently or they decide they need a break from their relationship with us, they aren’t forthcoming about their feelings. (It would be infinitely better if they were, but conflict is hard for some people.) In these situations, sending good wishes on birthdays and holidays — even repeatedly — is insufficient to get to the root of the problem. We have to be more direct: “I miss you! Do we have an issue to discuss?”

I certainly don’t blame you for the rift with your friend, and I sympathize with your strong emotions about it. But I would caution you to tamp down the drama when you speak to your friend about your relationship. Focus less on expressing your feelings and more on listening to her perspective. It may make it easier for her to speak honestly and productively with you.

Now, I am not going to speculate about the role of your recent marriage or your friend’s new relationship in the cooling of your friendship, and I encourage you to keep an open mind, too. The best we can do in situations like these is approach our friends with humility and patience as we ask for clarity. This is the only way I know to get important relationships back on track.

Count Us In (Until Further Notice)

My wife and I accepted an invitation to our neighbors’ wedding that is taking place in a couple of weeks. They are kind people, and we like them very much. The issue: Our daughter’s seventh birthday is the day after the wedding, and we are now thinking of spending a long weekend at the shore to celebrate it. Can we bail on the wedding? We would rather spend the whole weekend with our children than an evening at the wedding without them.