My cousin’s young children are out of control: They hit one another, run in circles around the dinner table and nearly topple their grandmother. My cousin seems stressed and bone-tired as she tries to negotiate better behavior. (She rarely says no. It’s more like: “Honey, would you like to sit down?” Apparently not.) Meanwhile, her husband is usually off in a corner talking about hockey. My cousin and I have always been close. I’d say I’m a big sister figure to her, but she hasn’t asked for my advice about parenting. My children are grown. But when they were small, we did a good job balancing limits and fun. I’ve offered to take the kids for the day so she could have some time to herself, but she hasn’t taken me up on it. I certainly don’t want to give unsolicited advice, but I’d love to help. Thoughts?

COUSIN

I agree that giving unsolicited parenting advice to your cousin is a bad idea. However much you want to help, it is none of your business how she raises her children. And I’d wager that she’s already clocked your negative judgment of her parenting and marriage. (We tend to give ourselves away.)

I think this problem requires a different approach: radical empathy. You have to set aside your beliefs that you were a better parent, your children were better behaved and your husband was a better partner — and simply identify with your cousin. And you may not be able to do this. If so, there’s not much room for you to help.

But if you can, you may be a tremendous ally to your cousin. Tell her: “Seeing you with the kids reminds me how hard it was being a young mother. Some days, I could barely manage. How are you coping?” She is more likely to accept a humble offer of emotional support than an annoying list of ways she could be doing the job better. So, it’s up to you: Can you pull that off?

The Best-Friend Exception

My best friend has naturally been involved in planning my wedding. My fiancé and I intended to marry on the East Coast, but our guest list quickly ballooned to 350 people. So, we opted for a smaller destination wedding of 200 people in his home country. (It’s an eight-hour flight.) The issue: When I told my friend that we still had to cut longtime acquaintances from the list, she replied that she intended to bring one as her plus one. I told her she doesn’t have a plus one (our rule is “living together or with a ring, you can bring”), but there will be plenty of single friends there. This went over like a lead balloon. Am I wrong?