Seven years ago, I met a woman on a dating app. (We are now in our mid-50s.) We had an on-again, off-again romance that resolved into a good friendship. Recently, we went to a concert together. My oldest friend from college was there, so they met. Later, my friend called and told me that she and my college friend had gone on a date. She asked if I would mind if they went out together. I mind! I was devastated! She said she didn’t want to wreck our friendship. I texted my college friend and asked him to respect my feelings. He responded angrily. I know they’ve done things together, but I don’t know the status of their relationship. I got sick of thinking about this, so I blocked them from contacting me. Now I’ve lost two of my closest friends and feel terrible. Help!

FRIEND

I respect your strong feelings, but I think you should reconsider them in the spirit of repairing valuable relationships. It sounds as if your romance with your friend was sporadic and didn’t end in heartbreak on either side. (You became good friends, after all.) In my view, you are not entitled to control the people she dates after your relationship is over.

It also seems strange to me that a man in middle age — who has himself experienced the challenges of midlife dating — would not be more generous with two of his “closest friends.” I understand your mixed emotions, watching friends pair off while you remain alone: That’s only human. But to prioritize your feelings over everything else — including their happiness and even their ability to contact you — seems selfish to me.

I urge you to re-establish communication with your friends. Friendship requires a willingness to keep talking through difficult issues. Apologize that your strong feelings prompted you to block them. You should also explore with another friend or a therapist why their relationship is so upsetting to you. (Do you have unresolved feelings for your ex?) But I would not engage your friends on that issue until you understand it better yourself.

You’re Making a List. They’re Checking It Once (if That).

My husband and I have a challenging relationship with my in-laws. We spend Christmas with them every year, and they ask us for a list of holiday gifts we would like. They provide a list, too. But without fail, we get very few items from our list. And their seeming failure to look at it has become a running joke with my husband. I’m tired of putting effort into making a list that’s ignored. And I end up feeling disappointed and hurt that instead of the $20 leggings I requested (with a hyperlink), I get towels with menorahs on them. May I finally say we are done with these lists?