Two years ago, my son moved to Florida with his wife and decided he no longer wanted a relationship with his father, brother or me. My granddaughter was born 18 months ago. We have been allowed to see her twice: when she was a month old and again this winter. My son now allows us to FaceTime with our granddaughter once a week. But he will not speak to us or initiate the calls. My husband thinks if we stop the calls, my son’s attitude toward us will change. My brother says I am a glutton for punishment. But I want my granddaughter to know I love her. Should I continue with FaceTime?
CECILIA, NEW YORK
In a word that even a 2-year-old will understand: Yes! I disagree with your husband and brother. Canceling the calls and moving into “showdown at the O.K. Corral” mode is not going to improve relations with your son. If there is any way to make strides here, it will involve more communication, not less. Do not try to push him into a corner.
I don’t see these FaceTime calls making you a “glutton for punishment,” either. Even though your son has severed ties with you, he seems to value your regular presence in his daughter’s life. That’s good! His failure to appear onscreen is a technicality. The baby is not yet 2. Unless she is a mini-Mark Zuckerberg, someone is handling the laptop for her. Keep calling. And don’t act injured by her parents or the situation. Let “cheerful” be your watchword.
Which brings me to my grand finale: a pitch for family counseling — in New York or Florida — among your nearest and not so dearest. We don’t know why your son has cut you off, though I suspect you have asked him many times. And you have not been able to solve this on your own. But sometimes a family conversation, moderated by a neutral professional, can help everyone feel heard — which may be the first step on the long road to Disney World with your son and granddaughter. What have you got to lose?
Buddy, Can You Spare a Gift Card?
A friend gave us a $200 gift card from a small home-goods boutique. It was generous, and we feel terrible because we lost it. I am sure our friend will eventually ask what we bought. I called the store; they said they don’t keep records of gift cards. Do we purchase something so our friend thinks we used it? Or do we say nothing and hope she forgets?
ANONYMOUS
You left out the obvious solution: Get Stephen Hawking to build you a time machine so you can travel backward and take better care of the gift card. Or just tell your friend the truth: “Thanks so much for your gift. Like fools, we went and lost it. But we really appreciate your thinking of us.”
We all lose things. It’s no knock on your affection for your friend. The truth may also do some practical good here: Perhaps the shop gave your friend a copy of the gift card? Or will reissue one with a credit card receipt? But even if not, go with the truth when possible. Fewer fibs to remember that way.
Vacation Plus (or Minus) One
I have a friend who is going through a divorce. Before she split up with her husband, they booked a vacation at a resort. Now she has a resort credit. Initially, she invited a man she was dating, but he had a family commitment when she proposed going. Then she invited me. But we had a hard time finding dates. A few months later, I stopped working, so my schedule is more flexible now. But when I proposed revising the vacation, she said she’s decided to bring a new man she is dating. I feel resentful about this. We have been friends for 20 years, and I helped her through her divorce. Should I say something?
ANONYMOUS, OAKLAND, CALIF.
Like what? That 20 years of friendship and some divorce support entitle you to a free vacation, and you want it now? Your pal invited you, and you weren’t available. So, she moved on, which is her right. Get over it.
Hit the Mute Button at Work
My more experienced officemate often coaches me — in real time — when I am on the phone with clients, telling me what she thinks I ought to be saying. It is annoying and distracting. But I know she’s only trying to help, so I don’t want to be rough on her.
JACK, NEW YORK
You and your officemate sound like Julia Roberts and George Clooney in “Money Monster.” She speaks to him through an earpiece while he is doling out financial advice on an overcooked cable TV show. I loved it in the movie, but I can see where it would be annoying in real life. Your call: Go to newscaster school, or tell your colleague: “I appreciate your help, but having two conversations at once is one too many. Can you wait to talk until after I’m off the phone?”
