We are a family of four siblings. We always got along pretty well, then our luck ran out. Last year, Siblings 1 and 3 (in birth order) had a huge blowout. The other two of us don’t know what was said, and we are staying out of it. But Sibling 3 was so hurt and angry that he skipped the Christmas holidays, which put a damper on things. Soon, Sibling 2 will be celebrating a milestone birthday. I’m afraid that Sibling 3 will skip that, too. I’d like to encourage him to put aside his feelings for one day and not let selfishness ruin her big day. How would you approach this?
ANONYMOUS
Speaking of birth order, am I the only one who’s amazed that the baby of the family is assuming some responsibility here? In my clan, No. 4, your sole job would consist of being carried to the party on soft cushions.
I was with you until your penultimate sentence. Minimizing your brother’s hurt feelings, or worse, labeling him selfish, is no way to induce him to attend the birthday gala. You have been wise to stay out of this blood feud. Still, it is possible to insert yourself supportively: “I’m sorry that you and Danny are having a rough time. We missed you so much at Christmas. Will you let me know if there’s anything I can do to make it easier for you to come to Jane’s big birthday? We really want you there, but we want to respect your feelings, too.”
Then listen. Unless this milestone birthday is a Sweet 16, it’s safe to assume that the nasty fireworks were decades in the making. If so, only time and a desire to mend things will help your enemy-combatant siblings. Beyond kindness, there’s not much you can bring to that party.
The Unintended Gift of Dinner
An old school friend came to town last week. I suggested we have dinner. When the check came ($140), I produced my card. He exclaimed, “Thank you very much!” I was startled by this and paid. But it left a bad taste in my mouth (that didn’t come from the meal). Should I have done something differently?
A.P.S.
Forget turning James Corden’s delightful Carpool Karaoke bit into a weekly show, CBS! What viewers really want (judging from my mailbag) is a forensic restaurant show: splitting checks with heavy drinkers; screaming toddlers in the next booth; tipping — need I say more?
You might have said, “Shall we split it?” when the bill was presented, before flourishing your credit card. But just because your old pal misunderstood your gesture doesn’t mean you couldn’t have corrected him: “Oh, I was thinking we’d split it,” in response to his thanks. Better to address the awkward moment than to think badly of your chum for an innocent mistake, right?
Overpaid and Underworked?
My mother, who lives two plane flights away, is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. She lives on her own, but we hired someone, for a few hours a week, to help manage her medications. A social worker at the local hospital told me $9 per hour would be a fair wage. When I suggested this to the woman, she said, “I was expecting $25 an hour.” Immediately, I felt ashamed and agreed to pay. Since then, she let my mother’s pills run out once and accepted a gift from my mother (who adores her). I would be more comfortable paying $15 per hour. I found a home health service that charges $19 an hour. Is there a way around this?
JOY, MAINE
I’m sorry for you and your mom. Try to reweight the elements of the story. The fact that your mother adores this caretaker is huge. (My mother rejected every helper we found after 15 minutes.) If she’s well enough to live on her own, she can certainly give someone she likes a modest gift. And you don’t seem primarily motivated by the caretaker’s letting the pills run out once.
No, your discomfort seems rooted in the wage negotiation and relatively small overpayment of the caretaker. (I bet there’s a healthy dose of feeling out of control, too, being far away from your mother.) Short of enrolling in Trump University, after it emerges from federal court, for expert negotiating tips, you may say: “A local agency charges $19 an hour for your services. Would you consider matching that rate?” But personally, I would leave well enough alone. By accident, you have invited someone into your mother’s life whom she really likes. Good on you!
Are You Who I Think You Are?
Several times a week, walking around my neighborhood, I see a woman that I am almost positive is the actress Ellen Burstyn. Would it be rude to ask her if she is?
JEANNE
Approach the woman gingerly (but never in a restaurant) and say, “Ms. Burstyn?” If she isn’t, apologize and resume your constitutional. But if she says yes, please tell her that she is killing it on “House of Cards” this season! I can’t get her whelping, “I am the mother!” out of my head.
