I have been on both sides of a dumping: dumper and dumpee. In my experience, neither is better, and death is preferable. While there is never a good time to dump someone, there is always a right way. Ideally, a dumping should be a carefully curated experience, a sacred act of dignity preservation that allows the dumpee to exit with grace.

Begin by sending them an ominous yet straightforward text message: “I need to talk. Are you free to meet later?” Then meet on a bench in a neutral location; avoid any location they enjoy. Most importantly, never blindside someone by dumping them on a regular date where it appears everything is fine. Because if the dumpee has no clue what is coming, they might do what I did, which is order a tuna melt.

“I don’t want to date anymore,” he said after walking me out of the restaurant.

I turned and stared at him, sure he was joking. I was carrying an overnight bag; I had traveled to his neighborhood and wasn’t planning on going home.

Ours had been a short but intense summer romance. He was not my usual type, but we clicked. I knew early on that we might not have been right for each other, but we were having fun. And I was willing to test out the theory that opposites attract, because he was a corporate lawyer, and I worked for a nonprofit. Also, he smoked, and I hate cigarettes. I believe in compromise while he once canceled a first date because he found out the woman was gluten-free.

But he was charismatic, cultured, funny and openly expressed interest in me. In a world where dating can feel like such an endless slog of disappointment, the connection seemed promising. So when I heard the words, “I don’t want to date anymore,” my brain could not compute. Not only did he watch me order a tuna melt, he had encouraged me to order the tuna melt. “That sounds like the right move,” he said, all while knowing he was about to dump me.

To be fair, given his plan, he probably meant, “That sounds like the right move because we won’t be sharing a bed tonight, so pursue whatever act of terrorism you want on your body.”