I have been single for several years, and my best friend and I have come to count on each other for daily check-ins, frequent dinners and weekend plans — almost like a couple, but without the sex. Recently, I met a great guy, and we’ve been dating. I was really looking forward to introducing them. But it was a disaster. Later, he said, “She’s totally possessive of you and mean.” She said, “He’s all wrong for you.” I decided to give them a break from each other until I consulted with you. What should I do?

K. B., NEW YORK

A few weeks ago, I was riding shotgun with a friend in the country. Her 6-year-old was strapped into his (much loathed) car seat in the back. It must have been the morning after prom. Because a super-stretch limo drove toward us and a teenage girl popped up through the sunroof — topless and whooping. My friend looked at her son anxiously. He said, “Mommy, that girl isn’t wearing her seatbelt.”

Perspective is everything — both for a little boy who is wrestled into his car seat every day and also for a BFF who fears that she is on the brink of losing her support system. Be patient. Start with two conversations, one with your boyfriend and another with your bestie. To him, explain the history and emotional heft of your long friendship. With your pal, try to reassure her that while things may change a little, you aren’t going anywhere. (No need to defend your taste in men.) Shut down any snark that they may offer with a simple: “He’s my boyfriend” or “She’s my best friend,” as needed.

In a couple of weeks, try another dinner for three (or four, if your boyfriend has a pal). Be direct in demanding kindness from both of them. In my experience, it will take about twice as long as you think it should for everyone to acclimate to the new arrangement. Change is scary.

Greetings and Salutations

A new staff member at an office I visit regularly is of a gender I cannot identify. It is not my business, and I don’t care. But I would like to be able to address this person with civility and good manners. “Sir” and “ma’am” have a 50 percent chance of being wrong and possibly causing offense. I’ve decided to ask this person how he or she would like to be addressed. How should I phrase the question?

ANONYMOUS

You shouldn’t. Simply revert to the second sentence of your question (with a Social Q’s proviso): this person’s gender is, indeed, not your business, and allegedly you don’t care about it. What possible difference does it make in the context of visiting an office occasionally?

Pinning down a person’s gender has no more to do with civility than fixing their race or age. Just smile and say, “Hello.” If your contact is more substantive, introduce yourself. “Nice to meet you. I’m Wolfgang Mozart.” Like magic, this other creature will then pour forth his or her name.

May I Have a Word With the Chef?

I have been diagnosed with a serious medical condition that is addressed with a very low sodium diet. This is not a preference; it is medical necessity. When we are invited to dinners, some friends have made low-sodium meals and allowed salt lovers to add salt to their hearts’ content. But recently, I told a host about my issue, and she responded, “I am making ribs with a rub containing salt.” I almost told her that I’d eat before I came. How should I properly address this?

ROBERTA

I’d say you are doing a great job already, by communicating directly with your dinner hosts beforehand. Some will rethink their menus to suit your medical issue; others will make sure that a few offerings comply; and still others will let you know that the (true) impetus of the evening is a desire to make those ribs they saw in Bon Appetit. All three types of host are behaving just fine. And you can decide to attend (or not) based on your preference.

Hosts have a responsibility to make their guests feel comfortable in their homes, not to become short-order cooks for us. If the rib-cooking chef also serves a green salad and cornbread, it’s not as if you are going to die of starvation, correct?

Dinner From Two

My husband and I are well off. We like to go out to dinner with friends, and sometimes we pick up the check. Always (seriously, always), our friends thank my husband, but not me. I think they should thank both of us because we are married and our money is shared. So far, I’ve kept my mouth shut. What’s your advice?

L. M.

Next time, pay with your credit card, and watch your guests thank you for treating them. (Just a hunch.) Your point about shared finances may be true for most married couples, and I tend to thank both partners when one pays for my dinner. But for sure, the one who whips out the credit card will always be thanked.