At age 66, I’m finally in a wonderful relationship with an attentive, loving and kind man, but I’m frustrated by how anxious and insecure I am in our relationship.

For example, he has formed a bond with a woman we regularly play pickleball with — they’re both dealing with alcoholics in their lives. They look for each other when we arrive to play, maneuver it so they play games together and have intense, private conversations between games, usually about alcoholism and recovery. Meanwhile, I’m on the periphery, watching every move with a sick feeling in my stomach. I dread seeing her and worry when I do.

I also struggle when he comments about other women. “The eyes of my physical therapist — they’re so gorgeous they’re distracting,” he says. “I noticed she’s not wearing a wedding ring.” Great, thanks for telling me! I think about how handsome he is, start to wonder why he even loves me, and it all goes downhill from there.

I do not mention any of my insecurities to him. I know it’s not his issue, and it would only make him feel weird and resentful toward me. I’m pretty much a 10 out of 10 on the insecure attachment scale.

How can I learn to live more securely and truly trust him?

From the Therapist: What strikes me about your letter is the way in which you frame this situation as your issue alone, without considering your partner’s role in it. You seem to be aware of your pattern of struggling with a fear of abandonment and sense of inadequacy, but when you label yourself a “10 out of 10” with these traits, you pathologize yourself and tune out what your anxiety is telling you.

Anxiety can be helpful when it alerts us to danger, allowing us to take action to protect ourselves. Other times, anxiety can be harmful, like when experiences from the past create a state of hypervigilance, even when no danger is present. What I invite you to do going forward is to try to distinguish between the two.