I have a 6-year-old daughter who is very pretty. She didn’t get her looks from her father or me, and we would find her beautiful no matter what. But people we meet love to point out how “gorgeous” and “stunning” she is. I worry that she may begin to internalize the message that her looks are her most important attribute. But saying, “She’s really smart, too,” seems like a bragging response to a compliment. And I don’t want to chastise people who mean well. Any thoughts?

ANONYMOUS

Well, I Facebook-stalked your family (from the info on your note), and the bad news is that your daughter is pretty adorable. I also have enough experience on the playground to know that little boys are disproportionately asked what they like to do, while girls are more often reduced to their clothes or hair or general prettiness. So I share your concern.

For starters, acknowledge the compliments in the friendly spirit in which they were given. A smile and thanks will do fine. Better to make this a teachable moment for your daughter than for clueless adults who think it’s O.K. to walk around commenting on people’s looks. What’s more, I know many adult women who still feel traumatized by their mother’s scrutiny of their appearance as girls. Who knows how a 6-year-old would hear her mother’s quibbling with a stranger over her prettiness?

Then take one more step. “You know, we’re lucky, because Janie is also very kind” (or “… good at math,” or whatever quality you want to emphasize). I don’t think that sounds like a braggadocio. Most people will understand that you are only compensating for their statement about her gorgeousness. But even if they don’t, it’s more important to give your daughter a compass that’s based on character and deeds than a looking glass that requires a constant stream of external adoration. Just take a peek at the selfie-loving Kardashian culture: When we need validation from others, there’s never enough.

Taming a Solicitous Friend

I have a friend who works in the arts. I have donated to a few of her projects and charities. Recently, I received an email from her asking not for a contribution but for the names of 20 friends who might be willing to back her latest art project. I am uncomfortable with this request. It seems pushy and intrusive. But how do I refuse her without hurting her feelings? (She has already sent a follow-up note.)

C.A., New York

As the late Nancy Reagan warned us would-be tokers in the ’ 80s: “Just say no!” Being a good friend does not entail falling in line with every request. Some pals, left unchecked, will solicit us (for their favorite museum or medical research or children’s travel soccer team) until we land in debtors’ prison. I don’t blame them for their exuberance. It is probably not the meek but the pushy who will inherit the earth.

To minimize hurt feelings here, I would pick up the phone. Say: “You know I am a supporter of your work, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing the names of friends for you to solicit. It seems like a violation of their privacy.” If she disagrees, just repeat gently, “I’m sorry, I can’t.” If calling her strikes you as too uncomfortable, try a note. But an email (even one that you think is warmly written) may strike her as chilly.

Another possibility: Offer to post about her project on social media, inviting friends who are interested to contact her. Her feelings may still be hurt, depending on her emotional makeup. But you will have done what you can by refusing a friend kindly.

Behind Closed Doors

I am a 38-year-old woman. For the last 12 years, I have lived with my older sister and younger brother in a house my sister and I bought. I now have a boyfriend, and things are getting serious between us. But even before meeting him, my siblings insisted he could never spend the night. So far, I have respected their wishes. But my boyfriend lives an hour away, so we are spending far too many hours in the car. We would also like to have an adult relationship. How should I handle this?

Sarah, Denver

Have you tried that old standby of younger sibling assertiveness? “You are not the boss of me!” They aren’t, you know. I assume that you and your sister did not make ground rules about guests before moving in together. (Note to other prospective roommates: Please do. And also talk about chores, expenses and early exits.) Also assumed: You have tried to introduce your boyfriend pleasantly at a delicious meal prepared by you. If so, don’t let yourself be pushed around any longer.

What you do in your bedroom is your business. Invite your beau to stay. (Discourage lazy afternoons with him hogging the living -room sofa.) Your siblings will probably get used to him. If they don’t, let them know that you will accept a lump-sum payment of one-half of the current value of the house and find lodging elsewhere. As Joni Mitchell addressed a similar problem, musically: “For God’s sake, I’m middle- aged, Mama, time moves swift, and you know, happiness is the best face-lift.” Don’t let your siblings jeopardize a loving adult relationship.